She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Randomize
