I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Randomize
