dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
