found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Are my feet made of real feet?
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Randomize
