I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
