glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
