He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
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