i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Pants are for mortals
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
