There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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