i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
