god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
be right there i have to get my cape
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Randomize
