I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
