Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
