You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
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