i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Randomize
