Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
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