I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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