I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
