there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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