ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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