I think I won the penis lottery.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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