...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Randomize
