I haven't been this sober since birth.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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