He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Randomize
