My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
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