I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
