Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
my liver is dry heaving
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
