so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
