he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
