but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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