Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Randomize
