I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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