Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Randomize
