I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
