gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Randomize
