its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
