If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
