I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
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