Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Still dying that you shit outside
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
