I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
you traded sex for a burrito?
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Randomize
