when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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