Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
