My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
