It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
