No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
The Olympian is in my bed
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
