I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
