if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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