good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
