I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Found your dick twin last night
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
