True but thats because hes a fetus.
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
